A few simple rules on the way adoptee's should NEVER be treated -
Change the adoptee’s
name
Change the birth date
Be sure their adoptee
doesn’t know the first parents
But when information happens to get
shared be sure to insinuate that there was something inherently WRONG with the first
family and that they were *unable to care for them, ie. Drugs, abuse, criminal,
neglect, etc.
Insure the adoptee
doesn’t want to know the first family
*(Taken care of when something WAS
shared about the family of origin)
Make things sound secretive and mysterious – whispers or stop talking when the adoptee comes in the room .
Make things sound secretive and mysterious – whispers or stop talking when the adoptee comes in the room .
Seal records
Make sure the adoptee is never able
to gain full access to their heritage/history – that would be damaging to the
adoptee; After all, these original parents
were “deadbeats,” “incapable,” “unworthy,” “dangerous,” “couldn’t raise a
child,” “financially unsound,” “mentally ill,” and otherwise not parent
material.
Civil Rights
NONE – EVER…No ability to know
their original family because they were told this was a competition (not
necessarily by words by most definitively by actions). The original birth
certificate denied them has the first mother at least and at best both first
parents on the certificate; this is not a document they ever need, the adoptee
HAD parents growing and it WASN’T the ones on the birth certificate. Better yet,
falsify the original birth certificate and just put the adoptive parents’ names
where the biological family names should go; neat, easy, no one need be the
wiser, especially the adoptee.
What happens when
adoptees are treated this way-
WHY? From the moment an adoptee
learns they are a “gift” or “special” because they were “chosen,” they begin to
wonder what was wrong with me. Compounding
the question of what is wrong with me, s/he begins to find out there was also
something wrong with the first given name and it needed to be changed. The
message of shame begins to emerge, loudly and clearly.
Next, “my birth date needed to be
changed because I’m a different person then when I was born. There was
something wrong with me and who I was needed to be changed. So if there was something wrong with me that I
needed a different name and a different birth date then I should never know who
the people were that gave birth to me because they ARE the reason something is
wrong with me.”
When an adoptee “accidentally” hears information about the first parents that includes some of the reasons the first mom or dad didn’t or couldn’t raise him/her, the recurring thought of shame invades thinking. Since the information was “overheard” and not openly discussed, more thoughts of shame emerge because “there MUST be something wrong with me because my history can’t be discussed openly and something was wrong with the people who gave me birth. I’m from those people. Something is wrong with me.”
When an adoptee “accidentally” hears information about the first parents that includes some of the reasons the first mom or dad didn’t or couldn’t raise him/her, the recurring thought of shame invades thinking. Since the information was “overheard” and not openly discussed, more thoughts of shame emerge because “there MUST be something wrong with me because my history can’t be discussed openly and something was wrong with the people who gave me birth. I’m from those people. Something is wrong with me.”
Beyond this, the message of shame
and wrong become substantiated with sealed records and losing civil rights to
knowing the heritage and personal information about themselves. Hiding information,
falsifying documents, and creating an environment of secrecy are the standard
in the adoption world today. Undeniably, the adoptee is the loser in this
scenario. Grateful for the “home,” grateful for being “saved from the wretched
environment,” grateful enough that many adoptees won’t “rock the boat” due to a
created environment of “ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies.” Many
adoptees will justify not searching or not wanting to know about their original
families by indicating that the adoptive parents are “my parents” and “I don’t
need to know who my birth family is in order to be happy.” These statements
exemplify how well the adoptive parents did the job they were told to do with
inculcating the adoptee into a culture of a surreal life and family.